


Cold nights under siege from accusations (but tonight I need you to stay)

by how_to_sit_gay



Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Christmas is not for everyone, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Trauma, Established Relationship, F/F, Flashbacks, Girls Kissing, Heistwives, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Lou owns my heart, Panic Attacks, Post-Heist, me included, my poor baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 22:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17170667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/how_to_sit_gay/pseuds/how_to_sit_gay
Summary: When Debbie comes home, she finds Lou in a state of distress. It is not the first time she has witnessed this, but she isn't completely sure what brought this on this time. Until she remembers.





	Cold nights under siege from accusations (but tonight I need you to stay)

**Author's Note:**

> This story is brought to you by: a panic attack. Who would've thought these nasty buggers can be good for anything, huh.
> 
> On the night of the 22nd I was lying in bed, working myself up over the fact that my mother was staying with me over Christmas and the dread and mental exhaustion over it, and boom! there was the idea for a fic including a good ol' Christmas-induced panic attack. Cos unfortunately for a lot of people this isn't fiction at all. 
> 
> So if you yourself are suffering these days for whatever reason: it's almost over, you've survived another year of this madness, you're doing great sweetie!

The loft was quiet when Debbie came back – which was no surprise given Lou was at a staff meeting at the club – but something felt off. She listened silently for a moment, but no other sound than her own breathing was to hear. She gave herself a short mental pep talk and flipped the light switch. Immediately, a warm glow spread over the whole floor. Nothing seemed amiss, still, she decided to stay vigilant. It was rarely for nothing when her instincts kicked in.

 

After taking off her coat and throwing it haphazardly over the couch, she made her way to the kitchen to put away the groceries, switching on some fairy lights and Christmas decorations she had put up by herself this morning along the way.

 

How she loved Christmas. Now that she was for one completely devoid of immediate family and two finally back out of that hellhole, she was dead set on making it something special, even if it was just for Lou and herself alone.

 

She turned around the corner into the small kitchen area and almost dropped her bags in shock.

 

“Jesus, Lou! You fucking scared the shit out of me!”

 

Lou was sitting on the cold tiled floor, her back propped against the cabinets, legs drawn to her chest, and gave no impression that she'd even heard the brunette talking to her let alone coming her way.

 

Instantly, the weird feeling from before crept up Debbie's back again. The blonde was just staring ahead, eyes unseeing, almost unblinking, and if her chest hadn't been rising and falling sporadically the Ocean would've been afraid she'd be dead.

 

“Lou?”

 

Again, no response.

 

Debbie Ocean wasn't one to panic, and even though she felt fear rising up her throat, she tried to keep a clear head. As calmly as she could manage that moment, she set the bags on the counter and slowly made her way over to Lou as if not to spook a frightened animal.

 

Memories flooded into her mind of the other few times she had found her lover like that. She knelt down right in front of her and carefully placed just the tip of her fingers on her knee, bracing for possible flailing and kicking. No reaction once more.

 

Okay, Debbie thought to herself, okay, not ideal, but she could work with that.

 

Slowly, she slid her hand down to where Lou's fingers were buried in her suit pants, probably deep enough to hurt. It took a little effort, but she managed to pry her hands off and hold them tightly in her own. Stroking lightly the skin of the back of Lou's hands with her thumbs, she gave talking another try.

 

“Baby, can you hear me?”

 

The clock on the wall ticked rhythmically, filling the silence with its steady _tick-tock_. Finally, Lou raised her eyes to Debbie's. Albeit she still seemed to be worlds away, the Ocean allowed herself a small sigh of relief.

 

It always was a lot of work getting her lover back out of this catatonic state, thankfully it hadn't happened that often in the past. She made a mental note to ask her later if the frequency of her panic attacks had changed over the last couple years, but the coil in her stomach was telling her that she already knew the answer.

 

But now was not the time for feeling bad, she was on a mission. Gently, she pulled both of the Australian's hands closer to her face and pressed her lips to every knuckle, one by one. A small but pleased smile formed on her lips as she noticed Lou's formerly uneven and shallow breathing deepen slightly and becoming more steady bit by bit.

 

Finally, the blonde started blinking in rapid succession and her eyes zoned in on the woman in front of her. Lou parted her lips and tried so say something, but only a quiet croak made its way to Debbie's ears. Still, it was the most beautiful sound in that very moment.

 

“Shh, Lou, it's okay, it's okay. Just nod or shake your head, okay?” A small nod. This was going exceptionally well. “Great. Can I come closer?”

 

Silence. A beat. Two beats. A slow nod.

 

Debbie released the breath she had been holding and scooted over to Lou's side, leaning her back against the cabinet as well. It was a slightly awkward endeavor, but in the end she managed to put her arm around Lou's shoulders and pulled her into her side. She started to rake her fingers through the blond strands, stroking over the sensitive skin at Lou's neck with every other turn and eliciting shivers.

 

A few minutes passed in silence, then the shivers turned into subtle shaking. Lou had always been a silent crier, the wetness on the brunette's bare collarbones was the only indicator she had started shedding tears.

 

Debbie pressed a kiss to Lou's hair. “Hold on a sec, baby, I'll make this more comfortable for you.”

 

Lou reluctantly raised her head, puffy eyes shining with wetness and full of confusion, which earned her another kiss – to her forehead this time. Afterwards, she grabbed both of Lou's legs and pulled them over her own thighs. Now she was able to encircle the blonde's shoulders with both arms as she pulled her back against her chest.

 

Caressing her cheek and wiping away the few stray tears in the process, the Ocean decided the time was right to start digging. She replaced her own cheek on Lou's head with her lips and dared to disrupt the silence. “Baby, have you been to the meeting at the club?”

 

The blonde shook her head, still buried in Debbie's chest and probably leaving smears of make up on her beige blouse.

 

“What happened?”

 

Seconds passed into minutes and Debbie suspected she might never get an answer, as the blonde started to cough slightly and repeatedly in an attempt to get her vocal chords to cooperate. The answer she received was nothing she had expected.

 

“The Christmas lights. They were... unexpected.”

 

The brunette's brows furrowed in confusion, until she felt the colour drain from her face and the breath get stuck in her throat.

 

 

_It was the second Christmas since Lou and Debbie had met each other and the first one since they had started living together. It had been snowing for days now but that didn't stop people from filling the streets and buying presents, drinking mulled wine, and generally getting themselves into the Christmas spirit._

 

_However, their own apartment was bare of any indicators that Christmas was only a week away. That didn't mean Debbie hadn't tried to smuggle a tiny Christmas tree in, but apparently she wasn't as good as Tammy at this whole smuggling business since Lou had seen through her right away and got rid of the tree before it had even passed the door step._

 

_Debbie wasn't sure why the blonde was so adamant about it, but she didn't exactly dare to ask, either, as Lou got that somewhat wild look in her eyes every time the topic came up. Some people just disliked the holidays with a passion, she figured._

 

_As it turned out, it wasn't quite that easy._

 

_They were watching a movie on their shitty little TV when in the commercial break an ad with an underlying Christmas song came on. That wasn't unusual of course, what was unusual, however, was Lou going rigid right beside her for a long moment, her eyes turning glassy and unseeing, before she started shaking._

 

“ _Lou, are you okay?” Debbie asked, concern clearly written all over her face._

 

_When she received no response after a while, she got scared. She'd never seen anyone acting like that, her best guess being Lou having a stroke or something, and that scared the living daylight out of her._

 

_The Ocean was just short of calling up her family's emergency doctor, when a choked up sound escaped Lou's lips. She placed her hand of her shoulder and wanted to ask again, but in a split second the blonde's hand smacked her away while she herself leaped to the end of the couch, a wild look on her face._

 

“ _NO! Don't make me leave, please!”_

 

_Debbie wasn't sure what was hurting her more in that moment, the slap or Lou's completely deranged state. However, this finally helped her realise what was actually going on. She turned off the TV._

 

“ _Lou... hey, Lou”, she calmly tried to catch her friend's attention, even tough she felt anything but, “whatever's going on in that head of yours, it's not real. Do you hear me? It's not real. You're here with me and nothing and no one is going to hurt you or make you leave. Okay?”_

 

_A long silence stretched between them, only disrupted by Lou's harsh breathing from time to time. It grated on the Ocean's patience, still she was determined to sit this one out as not to spook her any further. It took some more time, but slowly the colour seemed to return to the Australian's face and her eyes filled with recognition._

 

“ _Debbie?”_

 

_Relief flooded her system and she tentatively took her friend's hand. “Yeah, I'm here. In our apartment.”_

 

_Lou's eyes moved back and forth between Debbie's face and their hands until she closed them tightly, pain radiating from every cell of her body. “I'm so sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me, I –“_

 

“ _You had a panic attack, I think.”_

 

_Lou's eyes flew up again, her usually morning sky blue irises a dull grey. “What?”_

 

_Debbie almost faltered at the piercing gaze, not wanting to say something completely wrong, but she soldiered on. “A panic attack. Something triggered you and you shut off entirely until I tried to touch you. Then you kinda exploded, but at least you came around after a while. I think this what the shrinks call a panic attack.”_

 

_The blonde mulled over the explanation for a moment and it was clearly visible that she wasn't happy with that assessment at all. Debbie really couldn't blame her._

 

“ _Do you know what set you off? Has this happened before?” She knew that this was probably too much too soon, but her mind was already running a mile a minute trying to find a solution on how to make Lou hurt less. She wouldn't admit it to anyone at this point, but she was ready to give her left leg for this scrawny Australian girl._

 

_The silence became too heavy for Debbie's liking once again, so she went for a different approach. “Okay, we'll save that for another time. I'm exhausted, you probably even more so, it's time we head off to bed.”_

 

_There was no resistance from Lou's side as she was pulled off the sofa and into the direction of their small bathroom, eyes cast downward in pain and shame the whole time. The Australian was the first to slip between the sheets, back determinedly turned to her friend._

 

_Debbie wasn't sure if it was for Lou's or for her own comfort as she followed suit and pressed herself chest-first to her back, encircling her lithe middle with her right arm and burying her nose into the soft hair at the base of Lou's neck. After a while, she felt the girl in her arms relax and she dared to give in to the exhaustion falling over her like heavy snow._

 

_Lastly, a small voice, barely audible, disrupted the quietness of the room. “It has happened before.”_

 

_And that was how she learned about how Lou was kicked out of her home at 15 when she came out to her parents during dinner on Christmas Eve. How she walked the streets for years instead of living in a shelter and made the way over the Pacific as soon as she had turned 18. And finally, how now at 21 their loud voices and harsh words still haunted her every year, leaving her gasping for air at times._

 

 

_As Debbie slouched out of their shared bedroom the next morning, sleep addling her brain and feeling the events of last night still deep in her bones, she made a beeline for the kettle to fix herself a black tea. A timid voice managed to catch her attention at last._

 

“ _I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to see this”, Lou mumbled into her coffee instead of her usual greeting._

 

_Debbie was having exactly none of it and reached for the blonde's hand on the table as she sat down. “Don't ever be sorry, this is not your fault, you know that, right?” Lou's shy nod encouraged her to continue. “Hey, look at me. Your parents are bags of shit and you didn't deserve anything they did and said. And I'm actually short of asking my father if he has any contacts in Australia to make them pay for how they still make you suffer. You're my partner, the best friend I've ever had, and you're with me now... and I will sucker punch anyone who is just thinking about harming you in any way.”_

 

_At Debbie's words, the spark slowly returned back to the Australian's eyes, including a sly smile on her lips. “My my, Deborah, this sounds almost like a proposal.”_

 

_The brunette huffed at that but couldn't contain a smile herself.”You wish. But I vow to stay with you through grand successes and panic attacks, is that enough right now?”_

 

_Lou cast her eyes downward again, a slight blush creeping up high on her cheeks. “You really don't have to, I–“_

 

“ _I want to, accept it and drink your coffee, young lady, we have plans for today.” Debbie interrupted her effectively._

 

_The blonde opened her lips again to form a retort, but thought better of it. Instead, she tried to pour all her feelings of gratitude and affection into the look she was giving the girl opposite her, before finishing off her cup. They really had some work to do, after all._

 

_From then on, the Ocean had made damn sure of preventing any Christmas induced panic attacks, or at least helping Lou through them as best as she could. Until she left._

 

 

 

“Oh God, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot”, now Debbie was close to tears herself. Way too many emotions were making their way through her system in that moment. Pain, at seeing her love hurting like that, guilt for being responsible for her panic attack, and pure and utter shame that she forgot about her trauma in the first place. “I'll take them down immediately!”

 

She tried to disentangle herself from her lover and scramble to her feet, but was stopped by Lou's hand on her forearm.

 

“Stay with me a bit more, will you? And stop blaming yourself, I can hear your thoughts running around and it's annoying as hell”, croaked the blonde, voice still sore from not using it for a while.

 

“But–“

 

The grip on her arm tightened and she was pulled back, colliding with both the wood of the cabinet and the warm body of her lover. “Don't force me turn this thing around and make me comforting you. You know how much I suck at that.”

 

Debbie settled back into their original position and silenced her amused laugh in blonde hair. “Oh I know. The dread of you trying to comfort me alone keeps me from hurting. Ever.”

 

When Lou pinched the brunette's side in response, she knew her love was already on the way of feeling better. “Now you're just being mean.”

 

She placed two fingers under the blonde's chin and made her look up at her. With a lopsided grin she lowered her head until their noses were not even an inch apart and whispered against her lips “Well, the truth can be a terrible thing”. Finally, she closed the gap between them and pressed their mouths together in a languid kiss.

 

They broke apart again, leaning their foreheads together and looking silently into each other's eyes.

 

At last, Debbie broke the comfortable silence. “You good?”

 

Lou sat up straight again and gyrated her shoulders a bit. “Definitely better. But my ass is starting to feel numb.”

 

“Then let's move this to the couch, shall we?” Before the Australian had a chance to get up, the brunette gently grabbed her face again and gave her a chaste kiss while wiping away the tear streaks on her flushed cheeks. “Get comfy while make some tea and tear down the decorations, okay?”

 

Pain flashed in Lou's eyes from more than her sore limbs. “Deb... it's fine, I was just unprepared. I'm okay now.”

 

Fueled by determination, Debbie all but pushed her into the general direction of the couch. “Say what you want, but I'm not taking any chances. If I can keep you from hurting again, I will.”

 

At that, the blonde used Debbie's momentum to take a step away and face her, leaving the Ocean off kilter for a second. “I love you.” 

 

They didn't say these words out loud to each other as often as they would like to, but this time Lou was just unable to contain them.

 

And after all these years, Debbie still tried to stifle the smile forming on her lips at hearing them directed at her. “I know. Now get your pretty ass on the couch before I have to carry you there.”

 

She knew she was good with words – even excellent – but when it came to Lou and her love for her, they often failed her. So she had vowed to herself a while ago to show this perfect woman in front of her how much she loved her any way she could instead.

 

It didn't matter if it meant stealing an over 300 million dollar's worth in jewels, putting Becker behind bars or taking down Christmas decorations, in that case.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've neglected my regular fic for this, so comments are even more appreciated than usual (even tho this might not be possible)! :)
> 
> Title is from the song "The run and go" by Twenty One Pilots.


End file.
